The love of guides, & some PI stuff

Feb. 2, 2004

Karen: Lingered in bed this morning, to talk to my guides.  I did a little re-living... of the non-stop humiliation and attacks on myself when I was a child... and I felt it, felt the tragedy and wrongness of it... and then I realized... they were there all along.  My guides, I mean.

Guides: We tried to comfort you, but in your pain, and in the natural distancing from the spiritual world that happens as a child gets older, you wouldn’t hear us.  We sent you good dreams, optimism, hopes, but you didn’t know it was from us.  We sent you love, but the lack of love from the material world was much more apparent to you.  We watched it all happen, and wept.

Guides have emotions?  Compassion, at least, apparently.  I cried myself, to hear this... to know I always had been loved, even if virtually everyone incarnate around me shat on me.  It’s a big one.  I have to accept it, adjust to it, get used to it.  Let it fit in around me. 

They pointed out how much self-punishing I do... everything from lying in bed in uncomfortable positions to not invoicing to you name it.  They’re good at that.  They’re training me.

I asked... why did you watch and weep, when everything is as it should be, and it was something I chose as a learning experience, presumably?

Guides: You made a bad choice.   

Karen: There it is, from the spirit world itself.  I made a bad choice, joining the family I did.

~

[Practical Immortality segment: From here, they speak a lot about my past lives, and how for the most part I didn’t do what I did in them for personal gain, but for greater purposes... even when it was warlike.]

Guides: What you have suffered from is the myth of separation, which happens to every warrior... look what you’ve written in your novels.  You soaked yourself in the blood of your opponents, and that has an effect.  Everyone who plays the game of dominator power, who takes up a sword to recast the world according to his ideas, pays the price in his soul, and you played it harder than anyone else.  The price is separation from self... from empathy, from conscience, from spirit and higher self; these things should all be one.  The price is feeling evil in oneself, as you do.

But you aren’t evil.  You never were.  You perhaps did things that harmed, but so has everyone; it’s a fact of being human.  You condemn yourself because you hold yourself to too high a standard.  You were only human, that’s all.  It was natural and human to think of being a warrior as virtuous in those times, because that’s what you were taught in your upbringing, what everyone was taught.

You have been self-punishing for so long... it’s been a theme of your lives for centuries, which is why it’s the theme of your novels in this life.  But it’s an injustice you are doing to yourself, and you don’t need to keep doing it.

Karen: The feeling of liberation... I can barely let myself feel, let alone describe. 

Guides: You haven’t been able to become a healer because you haven’t yet healed yourself.  Once you have, you’ll be able to become a healer.

Karen: A healer?  That hasn’t even been in my most recent plans, really... just helping healers, with web design -- except if I think in terms of inspirational writing.

Guides: You will heal with words.   

Everything looks different to me all of a sudden.

~

I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop re this morning... for my mood to worsen again.  It hasn’t.  I’m feeling like nothing can shake it, that my situation is fine, that the setbacks don’t matter, that I’m not at the mercy of anyone or anything.  I haven’t felt this non-crisis-like since... hmm... maybe ever, in this life.  I guess it’s simple, really: I feel as if I am loved.  And it’s a love that, unlike my ex’s, is not intermittent.  I feel expanded, inspired, fearless, delighted at life, seeing beauty in everything... deeply happy.  This is making all my other breakthroughs look like nothing.

Inspirational writing? I asked my guides.  Where am I going to get the ideas?  They laugh.  Just put your fingers on the keyboard, they say, and let us do our thing!

If I do start producing writing this way, I might put it on a blog.  See how much interest it garners. [And here we are  ;-)  ]